RENT: the Fifteen Minute Version
by beatlesxlove
Summary: A RENT parody. Rated T because of language and because it's RENT. My first RENTfic! Read and Review!


***Angel Walks In***

**Me:** HOLY SHIT, IT'S ANGEL! ***faints***

**Angel: **Oh my God! You okay, honey?

**Me: **Yeah, yeah, I'm okay...so what's up?

**Angel: **Well, I was sent to tell you that you don't own RENT. Everything belongs to Mr. Jonathan Larson.

**Me: **Oh...thanks, Angel!

**Angel: **You're welcome, chica!

**Author's Note:**

**I edited some spelling and grammar mistakes and added a few more lines to this! Thanks for all the reviews! They make me smile :D**

**RENT: The Fifteen-Minute Version.**

**Roger: ***plays guitar*

**Mark: ***plays with his camera*Rog, shut up! The phone's ringing!

**Roger: ***hits wrong chords*THIS FUCKING GUITAR WON'T TUNE!

**Phone: **SPEEEEAK!

**Mark's Mom: **HAHAHA YOU GOT DUMPED BY A LESBIAN! BUT WE LOVE YOU ANYWAY! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVEN THOUGH WE'RE JEWISH!

**Phone: **SPEEEEAK!

**Benny: **Sup biotches, I need the rent!

**Mark and Roger: **FUUUUCK.

**Roger: **Hey, where the hell is Collins?

**Mark: **Who cares? Let's light stuff on fire and sing about how we're not gonna pay our rent!

**Roger: **Okay!

**All: **RENT!

* * *

><p><strong>Collins: <strong>Why is_ my_ ass always getting kicked? I'm Jesse L. Martin for God's sake! I should be the one kicking ass!

**Angel: ***fangirl scream* OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD, IT'S JESSE L. MARTIN! Hey Jesse, wanna come to my house?

**Collins: **Daaamn, you're hot! Yeah, sure! Or not...'cause I have AIDS.

**Avenue Q: **It sucks to be you! It sucks to be you! It sucks to be- shit, wrong musical.

**Angel: **Haha, it does suck to be you! Oh, wait, I've got AIDS too. Fuck. Whatevs, let's take you back to my place for some hot sex!

* * *

><p><strong>Roger: <strong>*banging head against table* Angst. Angst. Angst. Fuck, I have AIDS! You know, I should sing about this! *sings amazing song and plays guitar*

**Mark: **God, Roger, stop angsting.

**Roger: **GTFO, Mark. I'm trying to write the most epic song in the entire universe, because what I just sang was complete shit!

**Mark: ***leaves*

**Mimi: **Excuse me while I barge into your loft and ask you to light my candle a million times!

**Roger:** Marky, I was busy angsting! Why do yo- *gawks at Mimi* OMFG it's a girl!

**Mimi:** No shit, Sherlock. Light my candle?

**Roger: **If it'll get you out of here so I can angst about my dead girlfriend more, then yeah. *lights candle*

**Mimi: **Thanks, Mr. Grumpy Plaid Pajama pants.

**Roger:** My name is ROGER, bitch!

**Mimi:** Whatever. *leaves*

**Door: ***knocks*

**Mimi:** Shit, I think I dropped my stash! Help me look?

**Roger: ***stares at her ass*

**Mimi: **Isn't my ass great? It's the best one below 14th Street. Now help me find my drugs!

**Roger: **DRUGS ARE BAD, MKAY? GTFO- oh, wait, I didn't catch your name.

**Mimi:**They call me... they call me... slutttty!

* * *

><p><strong>Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson: <strong>Joanne,We're totally rich and we're not going to pay for you to come to your mother's hearing. Wear a bra. Jeffersons out.

* * *

><p><strong>Collins: <strong>Merry Christmas, bitches! Have some cereal and firewood! *drops pickle tub full of it on Mark's head*

**Mark: **OW! Ooh, Stoli!

**Roger: **Stoli? Where? *notices Collins* Oh, sup Thomas.

**Collins: ***foam appears at corners of mouth* DON'T CALL ME THAT! Want some Stoli?

**Roger: **Hell yes. So, how's MIT?

**Collins:** They kicked me out just because I exploded some of their equipment. Stupid bastards. Anyway, do you wanna meet this guy that found me on the street last night?

**Mark and Roger: **Sure!

**Collins: **Yo, Angel! Get your sexy little ass in here!

**Angel ***in SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT drag***: **I KILLED A DOG FOR MONEY, OH YES, I KILLED A DOG! LALALALA! *kick-ass drum solo* Here, take all this cash just because I want you to!

**Roger: **Damn, she has nice legs.

**Mark: **Hey Angel, can I have sex with you?

**Collins and Roger: **You're gonna have to wait in line.

**Benny: **Hey dudes, I need the rent.

**Roger: **Howsabout no?

**Benny: **IT'S CAUSE I'M BLACK, AIN'T IT?

**Angel: **Honey, you _really_ need some Prozac.

**Roger: **Or heavy drugs. OH SHIT NO, DRUGS ARE BAD!

**Mark: **What about group hugs?

**All: **No.

* * *

><p><strong>Joanne: <strong>Hahaha, yo_u're _Maureen's ex? Well, I can see why she broke up with you.

**Mark: **STFU, you want my help or not?

**Joanne: **Sure! I can rant about how much Maureen sucks while you fix her sound recorder thing!

**Mark: **Wanna tango instead?

**Joanne: **Okay.

**Mark and Joanne: ***to tune of song* MAUREEN SUCKS!

**Joanne:** But she's a total MILF!

**Mark: ***agrees*

* * *

><p><strong>Life Support Guy 1: <strong>Hey dude, our lives have no support.

**Life Support Guy 2: **Bummer. Wanna sing about it?

**Life Support Guy 1: **Hell yeah.

* * *

><p><strong>Mimi: <strong>Look how blue and sparkly my hair and pants are!

**Catscratch customer: **We don't care, now dance like the sexy whore you are, and I'll shove a buck down your panties!

**Mimi: ***dances like a sexy whore* OUUUUT TONIGHT! *cringes* Is somebody murdering a wolf?

**PETA: **Don't you be killin' no animals while we're h- oh, it's just your shitty howling. Let's go, guys. *they leave*

**Mimi: **I rock at singing! Okay, I'm done being a whore now!

**Roger: ***gets barged in upon*

**Mimi: *** glomps Roger and makes out with him*

**Roger: **Damn, you're an awesome kisser! OH SHITFUCK! DRUGS! AHHH! *shuns*

**Mimi: **But drugs aren't bad!

**Roger: **Didn't you hear Mr. Mackey? DRUGS ARE BAD, MKAY?

**Mimi: **Who the hell is Mr. Mackey?

**Roger: **Seriously? Come on, we're so watching South Park...I mean, no! GTFO, whore!

**Life Support People: **Our lives have support! Boo-Yah!

**Roger:***angsts*

* * *

><p><strong>Life Support: <strong>Will we lose our dignity?

**Jonathan Larson: **Possibly.

**Roger: ***leaves house*

* * *

><p><strong>Mark: <strong>Ooh! Homeless chick! *whips out camera*

**Homeless Lady: **FUCK YOU! *pwns Mark*

**Angel: **Sweetie, did you forget to take _your _Prozac, too?

**Homeless Lady: **Bitch, I'm homeless, I can't afford Prozac.

**Angel: **Right...

* * *

><p><strong>Collins: <strong>Look at me pole dance in a subway car! Woohoo! Do you know how supermegafoxyawesomehot Santa Fe is? I'm gonna open up a restaurant there!

**Mark: **Um, Collins, you can't cook. Remember what happened last time you tried?

**Collins: **Pfft, who cares? Stop trying to crush my dreams, Mark!

**Mark: **Well, if you do open up a restaurant, I call being the cook. I'm good at brushing sauce on meat!

**Angel: **I'll drum!

**Roger: ***is only here in the movie*

**Collins:** PRAIRIE DOGS KICK ASS, BITCHES!

**All: **BOO-YAH!

* * *

><p><strong>Mark: <strong>*leaves*

**Angel and Collins: ***prance around singing a super-catchy ballad*

**Angel: **C'mere, you. *kisses Collins*

**Angel/Collins fangirls: ***SQUEALS OF PURE HAPPINESS*

* * *

><p><strong>Joanne:<strong> Yay! I get a solo! So, random lawyer friend, I was thinki- OH FUCK. INCOMING CALL FROM MY PARENTS! Watch me juggle two phones at once! I'm so totally awesome at it!

**Cast of AVPM: **Yeah, we know you're totally awesome!

**Joanne: **WE'RE OKAAAAAAY!

* * *

><p><strong>All:<strong> HOLY SHIT CHRISTMAS BELLS ARE RINGING! Let's all sing at once and cause an earsplitting headache!

**Angel and Collins: ***utter cuteness*

**Mimi and Roger: ***flirtasticalness*

**Mark: **I have no girlfriend! *sobs*

**The Man: **Who wants jam?

**Maureen: **I'm on a motorcycle, biotches!

**All:** ZOMG SNOW!

**Maureen:** While I was getting high with my best buddy Collins, I had a dream. It was some weird-ass shit! MOO WITH ME!

**People:** MOO!

**Maureen:** YES! KEEP MOOING!

**Ariel:** *singing*.

**Maureen:** Dude, that's not a moo.

**Ariel:** Wait, you're not Ursula! Peace out.

**People:** MOOOOOOO!

**Cops: **Time for some major pwnage!

* * *

><p><em><strong>ZOMG IT'S A RIOT<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Life Café Guy: <strong>GTFO.

**All:** Aww, hell no! WINE AND BEER!

**Life Café Guy:** NO!

**Mark:** But but but…last week I bought a tea!

**Life Café Guy:** You couldn't pay.

**Angel:** Well, now we can! See that prematurely bald guy over there? I killed his dog for mucho money.

**All: ***push past Life Café Guy*

**Maureen: **Eew, Benny. WTF are you doing here? Go to hell.

**Benny: **No. I'm here grieving the death of my annoying-as-hell akita, Evita.

**Angel:** I killed it.

**Benny:** I know. Seriously, Mimi, you could've chosen better friends. Bohemia is dead, don't they know that?

**Mark:** STFU, Benny! Bohemia is NOT dead! Hey guys, wanna throw a party for Bohemia?

**Bohemians: **Hell yeah!

**Mark:** Inspiration!

**Angel:** Dildos!

**Collins:** Anarchy!

**Mimi:** S&M!

**Roger:** Maya Angelou!

**Maureen:** Cows!

*Maureen and Joanne start having an intense makeout session, while Collins and Angel grind on the table*

**Mimi: **Roooogerrr, why can't we be a couple?

**Roger:** Because I'm way too angsty! But you _are _really hot.

*AZT beepers go off*

**Roger:** OMFG you have AIDS?

**Mimi: **Yeah, I got it from drugs.

**Roger:** That's why you don't use drugs, dumbshit! But who cares, cause now I can have sex with you without worrying about you getting infected with my AIDS! Let's go sing a super repetitive song so we can go make out like everyone else!

**Mimi:**Yessss! Score one for the Latina!

* * *

><p><em><strong>INTERMISSION<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>All:<strong> 525,600 minutes….blah, blah, blah, blah…cups of coffee, inches, miles, laughter, 525,600….blah, blah, blah…. LOOOOVE!

**Soloist:** *hits high note that makes glass break*

**Mark:**SHITFUCK, my glasses are broken!

**Mark:** Hey Rog, Benny padlocked our door and we don't have any booze for New Year's!

**Roger:** THAT BASTARD! Wait, why is the door padlocked?

**Mark: **Cause we didn't pay the rent.

**Roger: **That's absurd! We already told Benny in song we weren't gonna pay it!

**Snape: **You can't steal my line! That's absurd!

**Roger: **Go back to _Harry Potter_, Snape. Nobody wants you here.

**Mimi:** Hey, look! Here come Angel and Collins!

**Angel:** Don't worry; we came dressed as the totally kick-ass James Bond characters, so we have blowtorches!

**Roger: **…What does that even have to do with James Bond?

**Angel: **Look, emoboy, do you want to get back into your apartment or not?

*They blast off door, while everyone else uses their amazaling ninja skills to go in via fire escape*

**Mark and Roger's Phone:** SPEEEAK!

**Alexi Darling: **Maaaaarky! OMG, like, you have to come work for me at Buzzline! You'll get lots of money! Call me or email me or page me or- *phone cuts her off*

**Roger:** Thank God, her voice is annoying.

**Benny: **PAY THE RENT, MOTHAFUCKERS!

**Mark:** No way, biotch. I'm gonna sell my soul to Buzzline, so now I can make money to pay the rent!

**Benny:** Fine, be that way. Roger, see this hickey on my neck? I got it from Mimi yesterday.

**Maureen: **That doesn't look like a hickey. Did you burn yourself with a curling iron?

**Joanne:** Maureen, why would Benny have a curling iron? He doesn't even have hair!

**Angel: **Benny, sugar, could ya bend over? I need to use your head as a mirror so I can make sure my makeup isn't smudging.

**Benny: **STOP MAKING FUN OF ME!

**Maureen: **Benny's a baldie! Benny's a baldie!

**Benny:** GODDAMITT! ROGER, MIMI SLEPT WITH ME!

**Roger: **WTF?

**Mimi:**Craptastic. I need some drugs. Where the hell is The Man? *sneaks off to buy drugs*

* * *

><p><strong>Joanne: <strong>Dammit, Maureen, could you just be normal for a second?

**Maureen: **Pookie, what are you talking about? I'm normal!

**Joanne: **You have your legs behind your head. That's not normal.

**Maureen: **YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU! WE'RE DONE!

**Joanne:** Drama Queen.

**Roger: **Mimi, even though I saw you buying drugs, I'm feeling angsty right now, so I'm just gonna assume you were cheating on me with Benny!

**Audience: **Le gasp!

**Mimi:**NOOOOO! We all know what's gonna happen next!

* * *

><p><em><strong>OH SHITFUCK HERE IT COMES<strong>_

* * *

><p><strong>Angel: <strong>Collins, sweetie, I'm dying.

**Collins: **But…Angeeeel! We're everyone's favorite shipping! It can't end.

**Angel: **Well, look on the bright side.

**Collins:** There is none.

**Angel:** …Oh yeah. Well, that sucks. *dies*

**Collins:**FUUUUCK!

* * *

><p><strong>Mark: <strong>Yes! I got a solo! Since everybody's so depressed now, I'm gonna go make some money.

**Roger: **I'm going to Santa Fe because I can't be around Mimi and you're annoying as hell, Marky. Toodles!

**Mimi: **Damn, Roger was right. Drugs are bad and made me a basket- case. Whatevs, I'm gonna go chill with my homie Benny.

* * *

><p><strong>Roger:<strong> Angst, angst, angst…fuck, I miss Mimi. And I still can't write a song. I think I'll angst some more now.

**Mark: **Ugh, I still can't make a film…hey, remember when Angel came into the loft in that supermegafoxyawesomehot Santa dress?

**Mark and Roger: **HOLY SHIT AMAZALING SIMULTANEOUS EPIPHANY!

**RENTheads: **OMFG EPIC MARK/ROGER BROMANCE!

_Later…_

**Roger: **Hey Mark, I'm baaack! Santa Fe sucked! And I wrote a song!

**Mark: ***glomps Roger* Cool! I made a film!

* * *

><p><strong>Mark: <strong>Hey Rog, ready to see my film?

**Roger:** Shut up, I'm tuning my guitar.

**Mark: ***rolls eyes*

**Power:** *dies*

**Mark: **…

**Roger:** I guess we can't watch the movie then, huh?

**Mark: **DAMN YOU, ELECTRICITY! Anyway, I heard Benny's wife found out he was screwing Mimi.

**Roger:** Well, Mimi's lipstick can be hard to wash out…

**Collins:** Hey, maybe Angel, who's totally dead, told her!

**Mark:** OMFG COLLINS, YOU SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME!

**Roger: **Hey, got any booze?

**Collins: **No.

**Mark: **Collins doesn't have booze? HOLY SHIT, THE WORLD IS ENDING!

**Collins: **Chill, albino pumpkinhead. I got money. We can buy booze later.

**Roger:** Money? From where?

**Collins: **I used my supah genius skillz to rewire the ATM at the Food Emporium to give us money whenever we type in Angel's name! How cheesy is that?

**Maureen:** HEEEELP! WE FOUND MIMI ON THE STREET. HOLY SHIIIT!

**Roger:** WHAAAAT? OMFG BRING HER UP HERE!

**Collins: **I'll call 911.

_**911 conveniently puts Collins on hold**_

**Collins:** Dammit!

**Roger:** Oh, Mimi, even though you're hardly conscious, I'm gonna play my totally amazalingly epic song for you even though you probably won't be able to find the meaning behind it! But who cares if you can or not, I can finally prove to everyone I wrote a song! BOO-YAH!

**Mimi:** Oh, Roger, that's a nice gesture, but I'm going to dramatically die now for plot purposes!

**Roger:** SHITFUCK! WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS, ANYWAY?

**Jonathan Larson: ***raises hand* Um, that would be me.

**Roger:** Dude! You fucking killed my girlfriend!

**Mimi:** Yaaay! I came back to life because Angel told me to!

**All:** YAY FOR ANGEL!

**Angel: **Aw, thanks guys!

**Mark:** Check out my totally kick-ass movie!


End file.
